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A Terrible Cat [Nov. 18th, 2009|12:19 pm]
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Today's Prune Report [Nov. 11th, 2009|06:55 pm]
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Orange Essence Prunes are not as delicious as Cherry Essence Prunes, but Rainbow Foods does not sell Cherry Essence Prunes in a normal bag, only in a bag containing smaller bags of three prunes each. WHAT THE??

In other prune news, I just ate a whole bag of Orange Essence Prunes.

This ends today's Prune Report.

There may be another report later.
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On Veteran's Day [Nov. 11th, 2009|04:25 pm]
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Dear Veterans -

Sorry that the human race is so fucking stupid that the armed forces exist.
Glad you lived through it.
Hope you're ok.

xoxo
jb
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Posted using TxtLJ [Oct. 12th, 2009|04:25 am]
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A story: "On principle, Edward decided not to become the man he could've been. 'I'll show those fuckers not to believe in someone of great promise,' he said."
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oh god, no [Oct. 4th, 2009|06:15 pm]
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Behind here is either a shark or some ice cream, ice cream or a shark. Why does this keep happening?

Just walk away... )
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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the LJ [Sep. 25th, 2009|01:49 pm]
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Holy shit, it happened again. If you click this link it is either a shark or ice cream, a massive sea predator or a delicious frozen treat.

why would you click this? where are your survival skills?  )
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Huge! [Sep. 25th, 2009|12:56 pm]
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My company, HUGE Improv Theater, just got official 501c3 status. The future starts NOW!!

We can accept donations.
http://tinyurl.com/donateHUGE
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ComedySportz Anniversary [Sep. 21st, 2009|12:45 am]
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This weekend, September 24th-September 26th, is ComedySportz-Twin Cities' 20th Anniversary. I'll be playing in all five shows - Thursday 8PM, Friday & Saturday 8PM & 10:30PM. All shows feature retired players returning, including Victor Varnado a stand-up comedian and actor who’s appeared on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and Premium Blend; Rich Kronfeld of the television show Let’s Bowl and the film Trekkies; Todd Price, accompanist to local pageant queen of comedy Miss Richfield 1981 and Brian Kelly of Triple Espresso, as well as fan favorites Jason Laflin, Mikey Heinrich, Kevin Gilbertson, and Nancy McBride. Thursday is “ComedySportz Day in Minneapolis,” show at 8:00pm. Saturday at 8:00pm ComedySportz founder Dick Chudnow will visit.

Please come, I would love to see your smiling faces. Details here: http://www.comedysportztc.com/

Thanks!
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us [Sep. 17th, 2009|04:04 am]
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Every time I remember we're all one thing I feel better. I can't be jealous, your successes are my successes and my successes are your successes. I can't be angry because your pain is my pain. We're all just one thing, comprised of atoms and shared hopes and dreams.

It's hard to remember!


There's a cat on my foot and a breeze on my face, who could complain?

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PB & Hey! [Sep. 10th, 2009|11:58 pm]
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PB & Hey! The Tale of the Jelly Thief by Jill Bernard

Someone stole the jelly,
That is what I fear.
Someone stole the jelly,
It used to be right here.

I wanted some PB & J,
A simple wish indeed.
Peanut butter on some bread
With jelly’s what I need.

Yesterday the jar was here
Just sitting by itself.
I didn’t know we needed guards
To keep it on the shelf.

Did you see who took it, Paws?
Wag your tail if you did.
It was a little purple jar
With a silver lid.

Have you seen the jelly, mom?
Have you seen it, dad?
I’m sitting here with half a sandwich.
I need jelly bad!

Grandma, someone took our jelly.
I haven’t got a clue!
You’re all the way in Kansas City,
I know it wasn’t you.

Let’s look closely at the scene
Where the crime took place.
See if we can catch the crook
With jelly on his face.

Yesterday I took the jar,
I spread it on my bread
Then I turned to put it back
Or wait! Perhaps! Instead!

I spread the last bit of the jelly
On my sandwich yesterday
Because I used the jelly up
I threw the jar away!

Here it sits where it belongs
In the recycling bin.
Mom! Mom! Let’s go to the store
To buy jelly again!
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X-14 and the Search for Special [Sep. 9th, 2009|07:16 pm]
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The Robots sat down for dinner.

The Mom E Bot put the plate of widgets and bolts in front of A-44. Mom E put a plate of widgets and bolts in front of X-14. A-44 ate all his widgets and bolts.

X-14 ate all his widgets…but not his bolts.

X-14 hated bolts.  He hated them with his whole emotion chip.


“That doesn’t add up,” said Mom E.  “You and A-44 are both the same kind of robot.  You should like the same things.”

X-14 wondered if that was true.  He ate his bolts, because robots do what they’re told, but he didn’t like it. 


Even if he and A-44 were made of all the same parts, couldn’t there be things that made him special? Was X-14 just like everyone else? Really?


At bedtime, he said to A-44, “I don’t think that just because we’re the same kind of robot we should like the same things.”


A-44 said, “There are lots of things you like that I don’t like.  You think that puzzles are fun, but I would rather make things out of wire.”


"That's true!" said X-14. "And I like telling riddles, but you'd rather write stories!"

A-44 said, "Remember when we went to the museum? You thought the Circuitry Gallery was the best part, but I liked the Hall of Robots Past."


They stayed up for hours and almost drained their batteries thinking of everything that made them special. They had a long, long list.

"This still doesn't prove anything," said A-44 in a tired voice. "The Mom E Bot didn't say you like what I like, she said you should like what I like."

X-14 felt out of order. A-44 was right.


"If I wanted to find out what robots are supposed to do, where would I look?" X-14 asked. A-44 and X-14 thought of the answer at exactly the same time.

"THE MANUAL!" they shouted. Every machine has a manual. A manual is a book that shows how a machine works.

"If we look in our manual we'll see for sure!" said X-14.


"But we can't now, it's too late. We better wait until morning," said A-44.



In the morning, the two little robots went to school. X-14 was feeling very brave. He went right up to the Teach R Robot and said, "Please Teach R, I need to go to the library. I need to look at my manual."


"This morning we've got a very exciting bunch of puzzles to solve, I know you would hate to miss that, X-14," said the Teach R Robot.

"I have a question that just can't wait," said X-14. The Teach R Robot knew X-14 was serious. X-14 would never skip puzzle time if it wasn't for something important.

"Well all right," said the Teach R.


The robot library is a large room filled with sockets for robots to plug into. There are screens in front of each socket, where robots look at the books. X-14 found an empty socket and plugged himself in.


He found his manual, called “Small Companion Robot Version 34.3 Manual” and pulled it up on the screen.  It was so many pages!  He started to read and it made his head swim.  He was so tired from staying up so late that it was hard to think.  He read the same sentence three times in a row. 

"Oh no," he thought. I'll never find my answer," and he started to cry.

"What's the matter, little robot?" said a soft voice.
It was a Library N Robot, right behind X-14.

"I'm reading my manual, but there are so many pages!" cried X-14.

"Little robot," said the Library N. "Do you know what a Table of Contents is?"

"The table of what?" said X-14.

"The Table of Contents is a list at the front of a book that tells you what's in the book, and what page it's on. Here let me show you," said the Library N. The Table of Contents said helpful things like "Cleaning and Repair, Page 423" and "Emotion Chip Replacement, Page 223" and "Overheating, Page 952." It didn't say anywhere "What Robots Should Like."

"Do you see what you're looking for?" said the Library N.

"I don't," said X-14. "I'm trying to prove that A-44 and I can like different things even though we're the same kind of robot. I thought maybe the manual would say what we're supposed to like."

"How do you mean?" asked the Library N.

“What we like to eat, what we like to do, where we like to go.   A-44 likes some things I don’t like, and I like some things he doesn’t like.  Is that okay?”
“Well,” said the Library N Robot, “There is a page called, ‘Robot Preferences,’ let’s take a look.” 

The Robot Preferences page had only one sentence on it.  It said, “Robot preferences randomized.” 

"What does randomized mean?" asked X-14.

"The Library N said, "It means the people who built you didn't decide what you should like or not like. They left it up to chance."

"Chance? Like when you flip a cog and you don't know which way it's going to land?" asked X-14.


"Yes, exactly, little robot, said the Library N. "There's a chance you'll like flowers and there's a chance you'll hate them. Anything is possible, that’s what randomized means."

X-14 was so happy. He took a copy of the Robot Preferences page, and went back to class. He couldn't wait to show A-44.

The class was right in the middle of watching a movie. He couldn't talk to A-44 until lunchtime! He almost burst!

As soon as the bell rang, he told A-44 everything. "Wow," said A-44. "We are different, and it's not a mistake!"

"We have to tell our Mom E," said X-14.


Both robots looked a little scared. They didn't know what Mom E would think.

The afternoon seemed to take a long time, but then school was over and the robots hurried home.

"Well, X-14 and A-44, how was your day?" said the Mom E Bot.

"Mom E," said X-14. "Do you remember yesterday when you said I should like bolts because A-44 likes bolts?"

"Of course," said Mom E.

X-14 didn't know what to say next. He just gave Mom E the Robot Preferences page. She read it.


"See? We're randomized! That means we're special!" said X-14.

"Oh my, how interesting!" said Mom E. "Sit down, robots." She looked at both of them. She didn't look mad. She didn't look sad. She looked proud.

“When I said that yesterday, I didn’t mean that you weren’t each special,” Mom E said.  “You’re both very special.  There’s a reason we have two of you.”

“X-14, I love how you love solving mysteries.  A-44, I love how you love making things.  I love everything that makes the two of you, well, you.  There is only one X-14 and only one A-44 no matter how many other robots there are in the whole world.  I love you both for who you are.”

“You said we should be the same, though, Mom E,” said X-14.

“Oh, sweetheart,” said Mom E.  “I just wanted you to eat your bolts.”


From then on, X-14 ate his bolts.  He never liked them, and he knew that was just fine. 
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Posted using TxtLJ [Sep. 9th, 2009|01:17 am]
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Darren, who informs me he's fresh from two years of abject failure in Vegas ("When I went, I had my own restaurant...I left on a Greyhound bus with five dollars in my pocket"), riding the #21 bus at 1AM with a black eye so severe his whites are red and his pupil's white, says, "Test my memory, Jill. Are you game? Give me your phone number, let's see if I can remember it."

I hope when he calls, he makes reservations for a Thursday, that's a slow night at 612-870-1230.
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hmmmm [Sep. 1st, 2009|09:38 am]
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I can't decide whether to pay $87.50 a month for a $6,200 deductible or $75.50 for a $9,300 deductible for health ins. What do you think?

https://www.ehealthinsurance.com

Medica SOLO Middle or High deductible.
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Giant Jill [Aug. 23rd, 2009|10:54 pm]
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Giant Jill be honest. Not sure your plumbing can handle this.
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Improv is hard! A follow-up from Metro Magazine. [Aug. 21st, 2009|08:46 am]
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Jill Bernard: Improv Can Be Lonely from METRO Magazine on Vimeo.

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Giant David Beukema! [Aug. 18th, 2009|05:24 pm]
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Giant David Beukema try to enjoy coffee at Fringe Festival, but why they give him such puny size?
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Google Theater [Jul. 24th, 2009|06:30 pm]
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I like Google Reader but I'd prefer Google Theater where a team of actors brings my RSS feeds to life.
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burger for Giant Doug [Jul. 21st, 2009|01:43 am]
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Old Chicago! You make Giant Doug angry! Hunger never satiated with such tiny burger! Insulting!
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DRUM MACHINE in St Paul [Jul. 15th, 2009|04:43 pm]
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DRUM MACHINE AT SAMPLE NIGHT LIVE...it's like dim sum! Only theater!

Drum Machine is proud to be at Sample Night Live at 7pm on August 5th, 2009 at the History Theatre in downtown Saint Paul. Sample Night Live presents a dozen 7-minute previews of upcoming Twin Cities performing arts events (plus a new visual arts installation!) on the first Wednesday of each month. Audiences use the playbill to get on the mailing list for groups they love. It’s a great way to learn what is happening in the arts scene and discover new companies and great local talent! Plus, if you show up and vote for me, I could win the monthly Audience Favorite and be invited back to play the December Audience Favorite show and win Audience Favorite for the year! Everyone who shows up gets the opportunity to win a pair of tickets to the Guthrie as well as many other prizes donated by the groups performing that evening. Use Discount Code MEMBERS and get $5 off admission online. Buy tickets, check out the line-up and see the complete list of prizes at http://www.SampleNightLive.com.

Your code for ticket sales is MEMBERS. Please note that codes are only good online and not at the door.

“When you hear the city testing the sirens, Sample Night Live is tonight!”
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tra la la [Jul. 14th, 2009|03:29 pm]
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Giant Lucinda and Giant Jill go hiking! Was fun! Wanted to climb tree but too little.
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